72 Hudson Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11201
DUMBO stands for Down Under Manhattan Bridge Overpass, and not for what I am for going to dinner with my Kind-of-Ex from four years ago.
It will be difficult for me to figure out how to take a star from Vinegar Hill House…I don’t like giving five star reviews.
My Kind-of-Ex, who I’ll just call Kindof Ex because he’s kind of blonde and I feel like Kindof sounds like a German name, also introduced me to The Diner back in the day when we were first seeing one another. Needless to say, I can trust him about food. Just not about anything else, although he could say the same for me.
We arrived on Wednesday night at around 9:30 PM when we were supposed to go at 8 PM, but judging from the way VHH cleared out while we were dining, people eat a little on the earlier side in DUMBO. I was terribly late for dinner because the forces of nature (especially sexy crucified Jesus) were trying to stop me and Kindof from seeing one another.
I mean, picture staring at this as a little girl during the most boring hour of your weekend (mass - YAWN) and then imagine no blood and no cross.
You get what I’m saying, even if you don’t want to. As a sex-obsessed six-year-old this was INCREDIBLY distracting which is why I’m terrible at Catholicism to this day. I’ve seen shirtless male bodies look like that before, but usually they aren’t hanging from a cross, they’re hanging from the wrought-iron detailing above my bed.
Back to the topic at hand: here’s why I was late to dinner with Kindof Ex:
1. I stopped off to visit my friend Cat at The Ninth Ward in the East Village for a shot of vodka and the confidence to wander into another disaster.
2. When I finally made it to the F Train (about twenty minutes later) I stood on the platform for ten minutes to learn that it wasn’t running!
Hey MTA: Stop messing with my lifestyle choices.
3. When I finally found a cab, the driver of course didn’t know where DUMBO was, so I had to Google Maps the address on my piece-of-shit Droid to show him. Incidentally, he also didn’t know how to drive. He crossed a double yellow line after we got off of the Manhattan Bridge. Unfortunately for us both, we got pulled over! I didn’t even know that cops made traffic stops in the city. Officers Frick & Frack didn’t apologize for making me later to my date. Aren’t there a bunch of hippies traipsing around this city peacefully protesting that they have to Mase…or whatever my political friends are saying on Facebook? God.
Anywho, I got out of the cab and hobbled on my platforms to meet Kindof because Destiny is the name of the whore in my first novel - and whores are not to be trusted.
Our waitress looked like she was straight out of Anne of Green Gables. Too wholesome. But very nice. At one point, Kindof Ex was so overwhelmed by my ever-increasing beauty and intelligence that he dumped our still water into my very nice glass of wine. Anne of Green Gables was very sweet about it. We were sharing a bottle, so she got me a fresh glass and didn’t act like it was odd or undignified that I drank the water/wine, too, because I’m Italian.
Italians wean their young off of breast milk with watered down wine. #Fact!
Kindof recommended the Red Wattle Country Chop, which I ordered. I ate a few bites of salad prior because Kindof was hungry since my ass was almost two hours late, and I didn’t have time to decide on an app. This made me nervous. I feel like a delicious app will always redeem a meal if the entree is subpar. My satisfaction at Vinegar Hill House was going to be entirely based on an entree with the un-sexy word “Wattle” in it. (Minus 1 Star?)
But then…THEN! I was rewarded with a really handsome, masculine plate of simple cheddar grits and a gorgeous hunk of medium rare pork. All that was on the plate? Pork and grits. Cus that’s all that needed to be on the plate, folks. In all seriousness, the meat was perfectly seasoned and my (unwatered) wine went along with the food perfectly, which means Anne of Green Gables was on top of her game. I respect that.
I could go on about hunks of meat forever. Really - all sorts of hunks of meat…and masculine chops. However, I have to pack for St. Maarten, as I’m off to the French Carreeb in less than 24 hours with Le Sam. We plan on going Yacht Hopping & Exotic Cougy-Snack Hunting. We’ll see if I’m able to somehow turn this coming week (no pun intended) into something having to do with NY Nightlifing…until then: never turn down a date with your Kindof Ex if you’re going to Vinegar Hill House.