June 1, 2012
Tens Cabaret NYC vs. Platinum SXM

Let’s talk about stripclubs AKA Titty Bars.

I recently had the opportunity to travel to St. Maarten in the French West Indies with Le Sam, who grew up out there.  Somehow, the two of us ended up at the local titty-bar twice.  (Blame it on the al-al-al-alcohol) Although, lately, it seems that I’ve been having close encounters with boobies on an all to regular basis.  

Hold on I’m going to go spit this vomit out of my mouth…Okay I’m back.

In our defense, on our first excursion to the bar we had to leave early because Le Sam’s childhood friend walked in and kicked the DJ, or as she explained, “Touched him with her foot.”

Back to boobies:

There was one predominant difference between Tens Cabaret on 21st street (where all of the girls are supposedly perfect Tens.  Supposedly…) and Platinum in Frenchlandia:  the authenticity of the boobies walking around.  

The first time I went to Tens was with this terribly boring finance guy who was probably the whitest person I’ve ever dated, and I’ve dated some crackers including a ginger Scottish comedian with micropenis, so this finance guy was really white.  Apparently strippers really like giving women lap dances, probably because we don’t crack pointy and weird boners, and these synthetic blonde chicks with the WORST fake boobs I’ve ever seen in my life kept coming over to us and trying to get this terribly boring finance guy to shell out $50+ for them to undulate all over me.  Their boobs were all:

titties

Why not just buy a box, no?  Gotta be less than the entry into Tens and then the price of a lap dance, and you can do whatever you want to boobs in a box.  Heck, stick one in your butt!

Me:  Is that even attractive to you?

Finance Guy:  I mean, not really.

Me:  Then why did you just give that chick $50 to wiggle all over you?

Finance Guy:  Well, it’s a stripper, its not supposed to be real.

Terribly Boring Finance Guy’s opinions of “it” aside, I have a business proposition:  Let’s start a club like Platinum in the States.  We shall use an ultrasound on boobies like Dr. Drew did on that teenage incarnation of an iguana, Courtney Stodden, before hiring anyone.

We’ll make millions!  Who wants to be my first investor?  

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